Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.