What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."