When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
Case in punt
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
Here in Australia it's already tomorrow, wanna know what we did last night?
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
The sun is just a big space heater.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.