An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.