Does anything come after April A?
May B!
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
That’s a bit mulch.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
Ants in your plants.
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.