My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.