Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.