Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
Orange you excited for Halloween?
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"