Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
Orange you excited for Halloween?
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!