Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.