What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.