What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.