What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
You know what they say? Words.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Knock knock.
Come in.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.