What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.