I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.