“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
"I don't tan. I burn"
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen