“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly