“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser