"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley