“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield