“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.