"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."