"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."