"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow