Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.