“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz