"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom