How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.