I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.