Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.