My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.