I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.