Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.