What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.