Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
Metaphors be with you.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.