How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Sorry, I'm octopied.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
You better beer-live it!
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
Hey girl my heart is anywhere you are.
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
This is snow laughing matter!
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else