I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
"Lazy bones."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lego
Lego who?
Lego of me and I'll tell you!
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
How rude-olf of you.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
You are as cute and cuddly as a Koala.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.