If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.