"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
"I may be an outlaw, darling. But you're the one stealing my heart."
- Brad Pitt, Thelma, and Louise (1991)
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
The khaki in my shirt brings out the color in your eyes.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
Wanna go out this weekend? Maybe go on a quick John-t around town?
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.