I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.