The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."