Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
The superconductor left without resistance.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.