There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.