"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker