Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.