What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Fir sure.
Believe in your elf.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.