Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
The sun is just a big space heater.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.