Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.