How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.