What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.